Ashes into Beauty

I was blessed with a great childhood, wonderful parents, close friends, and a decent academic career. Aside from a few minor setbacks, I think life was very comfortable then. This allowed me to establish a good spiritual foundation in its purest form. Jesus loves me this I know. Jesus > Gandhi. Jesus sees everything. Jesus hates sin. God made me. I love Jesus. I am a Christian. But I did not really grow in my faith until God placed a few items on my checklists - experiences that I had to endure to become more Christ like and to really know what it means to love God.

My first major checklist item was moving to Texas when I was sixteen. I wrestled with God on why He brought me to a foreign country where I was a nobody from a place where I was accepted, popular and comfortable. Building community within my church and leaning onto my family helped me accept the move and assimilate into being here. These two things would serve as  foundation and be a recurrent theme throughout my testimony.

We learned about how God brings beauty from ashes. I saw this in my life in two distinct experiences - one with my friend Minh and one with Patrick. I want to share these stories in the greatest detail possible, but the darker the ashes are, the better you would be able to see His glory. But re-living these stories are hard so please bear with me and pray for me.

So like I said, I moved to Texas halfway through the junior year of high school. During my senior year,  I joined AcDec and became friends with Minh. Minh was also a first generation American and she taught me how to assimilate - she bought me my first Frizz-Ease, taught me how it was not cool to wear tennis shoes with skirts, helped me study for AcDec competitions, and was my roommate for all our regional and state competitions. We would hang out after school and I felt like a rebellious  teenager then. She was a friend that was a little outside my comfort zone but she was so cool and independent I did not mind it at all. When I got to know her better, I learned that she was from a troubled family - her parents were not really there for her, she dealt with depression, her independence was essentially out of necessity, and her coolness was only to hide her hurt inside.

 When we graduated high school, Minh went to community college and I went to UTD. We grew a little apart, but then I would see her around because she started dating someone at UTD. He was kind to her, but I felt like they were both in the relationship for the wrong reasons. I tried to talk to him about it, but he would always push it away because I was being "goody two shoes" and was "always condemning". However, they eventually realized for themselves this too, but this time Minh became even more depressed. I remember her showing up at UTD one day after ingesting thirty Tylenol tablets trying to kill herself and demanding to see him. That was my first traumatic night of my life. I called the police. I went to a hospital by myself. I had my friend try to run me over when I tried to get help. Over the next two weeks, Minh would call me to seek my help to restore her broken relationship. She would also talk about her beliefs and how she has already asked God for forgiveness and permission to kill herself. She was manipulative but also very emotional. Each day I tried to reason with her, not condemn her, discourage her from killing herself. Then two weeks later on a Sunday, I learned that she drove into Lake Ray Hubbard intoxicated and killed herself. Sometime then her ex boyfriend blamed me for her death - confirming what I was beginning to think. That was the hardest to swallow. I could not sleep with knowing that I had someone's life (including eternal life) in my hands and I blew it. Life did not have a meaning anymore. Why was I calling myself a Christian if the one thing I am called to do I failed in.. evangelism. There were many nights of listening to By your side by TAN in a dark college bedroom apartment. The only thing tht kept me from killing myself was this thought that "Pearl suicide is a sin- you cant die in sin you wont find salvation. I would have died in my basic thoughts if a group of friends did not continue to pour into me through my church. Patrick would pick us all up and we would meet for Tuesday night bible studies. These people showed me the love of Christ simply by showing up and studying the word with me. I learned what it meant to gain salvation - it is not by works. I learned how God was the God in control and orchestrated everything according to his will. I learned that He was not finished with me yet because I was fearfully and wonderfully made. He broke my pride and humbled me so I would turn to the cross.

Minh's death brought me close to a group of friends - Patrick, Justin, Stan and Princey. What started as tuesday bible studies eventually blossomed into hang outs at the park, cleaning sprees at church, and endless Taboo nights for people's birthdays. Somewhere along then people started pairing me with Patrick. At first I did not think much of it, but after working with him on our church's VBS, I saw what  wonderful man of God he was. He was kind, charismatic, funny, hard working, and never complaining. He also grew up in UAE, so we were able to connect with our fob jokes and our struggles with each other. He literally fit everything on my list for a dream husband. For two years I prayed that God take this crush away from my head. When He didn't, I decided to start a relationship with him. Most of our relationship was long distance and it came with challenges, but we thrived during long distance because we knew that this phase was temporary and we would eventually get married. My dad wanted me to finish pharmacy school before pursuing anything formally, but my family welcomed him in and was already treating him like a son. Mom would shop for him randomly, dad engaged him in our home improvement projects, they celebrated his birthday with him while I was away. It was everything I dreamed it to be! Our parents met each other and gave us their blessings. When I graduated from pharmacy school in May 2013, it was the happiest day of my life because it was going to be the start of so many new and exciting things! Patrick and I had been dating for three years then and finally we were going to be married. I already lined up venues I wanted to see, I made excel spreadsheets and started budgeting, and Patrick asked for my ring size. And then just like that everything changed.

I was sitting on the couch when daddy asked me if I heard from Patrick that day. I dont think I was scared or nervous in the beginning. We went to his uncles house to get more information. I came back home and packed a bag because I was going to go with his family to the hospital in Arkansas. While we were calling different hospitals, at one point his cousin stood up and then ran away crying. Even then i didnt think anything happened- I just thought they were not used to hospital lingo. Then my dad came and  hugged me and started crying and thats when I realized something was wrong. Subin told me Patrick died on his way to the hospital. I remember being ushered to his room upstairs. I remember aunties asking me to drink water as I was crying my eyes out. I remember breaking down when I saw jojychachen because he was supposed to fix everything. I was looking for saviors in everyone I saw. Soon people started coming to the house. I saw the younger kids and my heart broke for them. Asish cried in my arms, I hugged many girls and comforted them. I prayed at their house that night. I did not sleep that night but I was not tired the next day. I was ready to start planning the wake service. I sent emails to the church secretary on my ideas, I started calling people, we collected pictures and videos, and I was on a productive mode. Through the two weeks of Patrick's passing to his funeral, I was on overdrive. I think it hit me a little after his funeral but then I just went onto the next thing- looking out for Justin and Stan. Then boards, residency, Patrick's mission. I just kept myself busy at all times. If I paused to think, I would break down so I was scared to pause. I did not contemplate killing myself at all, and it might be because of how far God brought me through Minh's situation. true, I was strong and I prayed and I encouraged everyone about God's sovereignty. I wanted to show people that they did not have to look at me with pitiful eyes. But deep inside, I was just as lost. Patrick was my accountability partner. I did not know what to read, i did not know what to pray for. For months I just prayed the regular recited prayer. Sometimes I would just say hello to Jesus and remind him I was hurting. There was no adoration or submission - just groans of pain.

When I was finally done being on overdrive, I let me feel what I was feeling. I was first apathetic - how could God do this to me? What was the purpose of leading me on a relationship if he was going to take him away? Then I reasoned that God loved Patrick more and saved him from the hassles of this world. I decided I would pursue celibacy because what was the purpose of marriage after all. Patrick was good to me - he showed me how Christ loved the church. I can live on forever with that knowledge. I do not need to get married. Then I had a phase where everything bad was related in my head to Patrick's death. Bombed a presentation? Remember how Patrick died. Flat tire? Remember Patrick's death? Small setbacks were not just that anymore. I also hated how everyone else was getting engaged/married at this time. I cried on my rides back from many receptions. But no one would have guessed that because I also looked cute for every wedding. No one really knew how much it hurt.

Finally, I decided that this was not good for me or my relationship with God. So I sought mentorship with Bindu chechi. She set mini goals for me to facilitate my grieving process. First it was as simple as talking out my emotions and giving me permission to be vulnerable. Then it was showing me the big picture and reinstating that God loves me too, just as much as he loved Patrick. Then it was for me to join grief counseling. And slowly he healed my heart enough to realize that he was not calling me to celibacy.  

Now looking back, I see God's hand within my ashes. He sent people in my life that I could share with. People all over the world sent their prayers and wishes for me. I would get verses texted to me and some days that was the only Bible I read. The radio would have the perfect playlist. Justin and Stan stood by my side allowing me to gain strength to stand. My dad and mom fasted and prayed for me every Monday because they believed that my heart would love someone again. And I did. I found Ben. See initially I thought society would force me to bury that part of my life to move on. That I would have to forget Patrick or at least pretend to. But God brought Ben into my life. Someone who prayed over me and specifically over giving him the strength to overcome the challenges of dating me giving my history. Someone who is kind and gentle, but never looks at me like a wounded soldier. Someone who lets me be vulnerable, but builds me up to be Pearl again. Pearl. Child of God. Not Pearl Patrick's girl. And not even Ben's girlfriend. He taught me to just be me. And loved my broken heart for me. God made Ben specifically for me.

If these two stories were not my testimony, I think I would still be where I started my testimony. I am a Christian. God loves me. God hates sin so He sent Jesus to redeem me. But I would never fully understand how much God loves me and how much I love Jesus. In spite of everything in life, because of everything in my life, I love Jesus. I will never give up on the church because of my love for Jesus. You know how wonderful it is to love something that is constant and powerful and there? Its like always being on the winning team. I would not become the person I am today if God had not allowed these experiences in my life to become more christ like. And ultimately that is what this life is about. If you are in the middle of your ashes, know that the God that brought the Israelites out of the desert is the same God today. And even if he does not bring you out of your ashes, if you keep holding on, your eternal life, the longer life of the two, will be set. If you have gotten past a major ash experience, I want you to know that this might not be the last ash experience. I wish I could say my life is perfect now and I have paid my dues for trials for this life. But no. My current ash experience is being in a long distance relationship, because previous ash experiences trickle down into this one. But God is faithful through it all. I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. Even if nothing good happens in my life, I am okay because I already know God loves me. I praise God for beautifully orchestrating my story and for letting it be a part of my testimony.